Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Breathing again.

Mom's green glass bowl

For the first time in what seems like months, my coworker W-S and I are laughing this afternoon. It feels good. We sort of have a reputation in the office for being loud and laughing a lot. I don't think I laughed much in the weeks before Easter. (I still am finding it difficult to say the words "Mom died". even just typing that now made me tear up a bit). It's good, now, to be getting back to life a little. The feeling of face relaxing after a good belly laugh is refreshing.

I want to thank you all, readers and passers-by. Thank you for your encouragement and condolences and virtual far away hugs and care. I appreciated and appreciate the concern and the feeling of community.

The past week and a half, and even longer as we realized Mom was indeed deteriorating, have been especially difficult. But I'm also realizing now how much pain and discomfort and robbing of her SELF my Mom was spared. It was really hard to see her struggle to speak at times or to feel like she was putting people out when they helped her or even when the nurses did their jobs as regarded her. I would give anything for more time with Mom, but, I can now see that she was spared greater pain and indignity and for that I feel gratitude and some relief.

But I miss her so much. There are so many conversations we should have still had or continued. So many visits and things I should have learned from her.

The week of the funeral was difficult as you would expect. But the people of the small town where Mom lived (where I grew up) were good to us, bringing food and just letting us know they will miss my Mom. At least 3 different women told me that they had lost their best friend in my Mom. I think that's as great a testiment to how she lived as anything.

I lost mine too I think.

The picture at the top is a heavy green glass bowl that belonged to Mom. I don't know exactly where it came from but I suspect it was a wedding present. For some reason I have loved this bowl ever since I was small. We haven't done anything to sort through the house yet but I brought this bowl home with me. It reminds me of Mom but doesn't make me sad. I needed it.

I'm having trouble concentrating on any one project right now, which I suspect is a combination of stress/grief/spring but I just received the Prince Charming blanket from the Western Canadian Oddball Baby Blanket group. I need to pick up some yarn and pick a stitch pattern and then I'm looking forward to comfort knitting, both for myself and for the eventual recipient of this blanket.

Thank you again.


  1. Glad to hear you've got your head above water - I can't really imagine something harder.

  2. The bowl is prefect - reminding you of her but not making you hurt. I hope in the future weeks you are able to find more of these things, expeically the memories and other intangibles. Hugs to you.

  3. ((((hugs, hugs, and more hugs))))

  4. That bowl is comforting just to look at. I can imagine handling it: Cool, smooth, and with a little weight....just enough to ground you, but not enough to weigh you down.

    I have an odd affection for green glass that began when we closed up my Mom's house. I have her green glass juicer from the 1940's and several pieces of her green carnival glass. Funny how these things work.

    Am glad for your laughter. I'll bet it was just like smooth green glass on your face.

  5. To answer your question,
    No, i am not working...i am actually here..lost in your blog world....
    for some reason when i looked at the green glass bowl photo, i think it is so you.~~ has your charactor in it.
    hope to see you wroking in project"s" soon again.

  6. It's a lovely bowl - what a fitting way to "hold" good memories of your mother. My condolences to you & yours.


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