Tuesday, April 21, 2009
For the first time in what seems like months, my coworker W-S and I are laughing this afternoon. It feels good. We sort of have a reputation in the office for being loud and laughing a lot. I don't think I laughed much in the weeks before Easter. (I still am finding it difficult to say the words "Mom died". even just typing that now made me tear up a bit). It's good, now, to be getting back to life a little. The feeling of face relaxing after a good belly laugh is refreshing.
I want to thank you all, readers and passers-by. Thank you for your encouragement and condolences and virtual far away hugs and care. I appreciated and appreciate the concern and the feeling of community.
The past week and a half, and even longer as we realized Mom was indeed deteriorating, have been especially difficult. But I'm also realizing now how much pain and discomfort and robbing of her SELF my Mom was spared. It was really hard to see her struggle to speak at times or to feel like she was putting people out when they helped her or even when the nurses did their jobs as regarded her. I would give anything for more time with Mom, but, I can now see that she was spared greater pain and indignity and for that I feel gratitude and some relief.
But I miss her so much. There are so many conversations we should have still had or continued. So many visits and things I should have learned from her.
The week of the funeral was difficult as you would expect. But the people of the small town where Mom lived (where I grew up) were good to us, bringing food and just letting us know they will miss my Mom. At least 3 different women told me that they had lost their best friend in my Mom. I think that's as great a testiment to how she lived as anything.
I lost mine too I think.
The picture at the top is a heavy green glass bowl that belonged to Mom. I don't know exactly where it came from but I suspect it was a wedding present. For some reason I have loved this bowl ever since I was small. We haven't done anything to sort through the house yet but I brought this bowl home with me. It reminds me of Mom but doesn't make me sad. I needed it.
I'm having trouble concentrating on any one project right now, which I suspect is a combination of stress/grief/spring but I just received the Prince Charming blanket from the Western Canadian Oddball Baby Blanket group. I need to pick up some yarn and pick a stitch pattern and then I'm looking forward to comfort knitting, both for myself and for the eventual recipient of this blanket.
Thank you again.