Breathing again.

For the first time in what seems like months, my coworker W-S and I are laughing this afternoon. It feels good. We sort of have a reputation in the office for being loud and laughing a lot. I don't think I laughed much in the weeks before Easter. (I still am finding it difficult to say the words "Mom died". even just typing that now made me tear up a bit). It's good, now, to be getting back to life a little. The feeling of face relaxing after a good belly laugh is refreshing.

I want to thank you all, readers and passers-by. Thank you for your encouragement and condolences and virtual far away hugs and care. I appreciated and appreciate the concern and the feeling of community.

The past week and a half, and even longer as we realized Mom was indeed deteriorating, have been especially difficult. But I'm also realizing now how much pain and discomfort and robbing of her SELF my Mom was spared. It was really hard to see her struggle to speak at times or to feel like she was putting people out when they helped her or even when the nurses did their jobs as regarded her. I would give anything for more time with Mom, but, I can now see that she was spared greater pain and indignity and for that I feel gratitude and some relief.

But I miss her so much. There are so many conversations we should have still had or continued. So many visits and things I should have learned from her.

The week of the funeral was difficult as you would expect. But the people of the small town where Mom lived (where I grew up) were good to us, bringing food and just letting us know they will miss my Mom. At least 3 different women told me that they had lost their best friend in my Mom. I think that's as great a testiment to how she lived as anything.

I lost mine too I think.

The picture at the top is a heavy green glass bowl that belonged to Mom. I don't know exactly where it came from but I suspect it was a wedding present. For some reason I have loved this bowl ever since I was small. We haven't done anything to sort through the house yet but I brought this bowl home with me. It reminds me of Mom but doesn't make me sad. I needed it.

I'm having trouble concentrating on any one project right now, which I suspect is a combination of stress/grief/spring but I just received the Prince Charming blanket from the Western Canadian Oddball Baby Blanket group. I need to pick up some yarn and pick a stitch pattern and then I'm looking forward to comfort knitting, both for myself and for the eventual recipient of this blanket.

Thank you again.

Away

I'll be away for a while, not that I was so regular a blogger before.

We lost my Mom this morning. She battled long and hard against this beast, this cancer, but in the end she slipped away quietly in her sleep.

I was able to be with her yesterday and I know she knew I was there, but she wasn't able to speak. My brother and his wife and kids were there as was my sister and my oldest nephew. We all believe that Mom was holding on until we got there and once she saw us all she was able to rest.

I'll be in Saskatchewan this week. The funeral will be Thursday. Thank you all for praying for my Mom. She knew and she was grateful.

Holding on

I want to write about what I've been making, but the thing is, I can't seem to concentrate on any one thing long enough to do anything. I worked on my quilt a bit on Friday (the craft craving day) but since then have been bouncing from project to project.

My mom has been deteriorating over the last month. I was home with her two weekends ago. She was noticeably weaker and was having a lot of trouble with speaking again. Since I was there she has been getting worse and is now in hospital. I'll be honest. It doesn't look good. I'm having trouble thinking about the situation and at the same time I can't stop thinking about it.

My mom has always been so strong. She beat breast cancer. In the fall of 2007 she beat the tumors in her lungs and made it through chemo again. She came back from the brain tumors in December and made it through radiation. But this time it is looking like she's not winning. I can't deal with that.

There is nothing I can do but pray and be here for my siblings. I'll be going to visit her this coming weekend. We don't know how many more chances we'll have. I don't do well with the unknown. With waiting for the inevitable when there is no timeline. I can't think about what she is going through and what is still to come. I hope and pray with every fiber of my being that I'll look back on this post in a couple of months and laugh about my fear with my mom. But I fear that I won't get that chance.

So, once again, I'm asking, begging for your prayers.

While I was home Mom mentioned several times that she wished she had something to put at my Dad's grave for Easter. It's a little thing but today I decided to try to make a wreath to put on the stand we have out there. I bought a grapevine wreath and some artificial flowers and came up with this:


I was planning to fill the whole thing, I have more flowers, but I kind of like it the way it is.


I wound some ribbon around to see how it looks. I'm not sure. Thoughts?

It won't last indefinitely out there but I wanted to do something for Mom and for my Dad and... I just needed to do something. It's not enough, but this is how I cope. You understand.

Craft Craving

Today I want to leave work and go home and sew. Either by machine or by hand (the quilting on my quilt... or the hexagons that i started in the summer...). Do you ever get craft cravings like that? I get an idea and that's all I want to do. It takes over and won't be settled until I sit down and do that craft. Right now it's sewing. Tomorrow it might be spinning or weaving or knitting or building a canoe out of the tree outside my window.

If only I could indulge my cravings while earning a living (or indulge my cravings at my current job without losing my ability to earn a living...)...

Sigh.

I hope to have some pictures to post over the weekend. There's a bit of spinning. And i have a great idea for something I want to sew.

If only I could get home and do those things now. Sigh.